I'm currently on a plane with screaming children and all I can think about it how I never want kids. I love being by myself, and only responsible for myself. I love quiet, sitting in complete silence. Focusing on my breathe. Sitting still. I love having one small bag only half full and not lugging around endless amounts of crap in case someone needs it. I love feeling light and free.. And all of those things just seem pretty much opposite to what kids are about. But being in my 30's now I know the clock is ticking. And I guess somewhere deep down I believe those sleep deprived, puked on, under appreciated mothers when they say it's the most rewarding thing they've ever done! So while right now it's not in my plan, I know myself well enough now to know, that saying never is a promise that I just can't keep.
There's a lot of things that my younger, less-experienced self said she'd never do either, that I definitely did. And guess what it all turned out way better than i could've ever imagined!!
For example, me living in Michigan! I have been living in a constant state of awe and love for my adopted home of Michigan for a while now, but lately I can't stop thinking about it! I am a feelings based person. I navigate the world, right or wrong, completely based on my feelings. So when I lived in England, while I was in love with the place, I felt super aware of it not being my home. The trees were rooted in soil that was British soil, they were British trees, and I imagined them feeling proud about their history and their heritage. But it wasn't my history. Now that I've been in Michigan full time for about 6 years now, I have come to feel so grounded and connected to this place. I breathe in the fresh air while I drive down the back roads with my windows all open. I stare at the trees and their glorious flowers in the spring, the thick dense green in the summer, and the radiant colors in fall. I sit in the lake and call her mine while her warm waters wrap me up and I dig my toes into the soft sand. This is my place, this is my home now. And that connection to a place is something I never knew could be so real and so inspiring.
But if i told myself at age 18 that I'd grow up and live in Michigan my 18 year old self would've probably said to my 30 year old self, "well that's NEVER fucking happening!!" Which guess what, again that was ok! I loved that my 18 year old self was strong willed and would grow up to live and travel abroad, would move back to Chicago to live for the nights and the life she always thought she wanted, who would land her dream job and dream guy and move away, but she always wanted more from life. It was exactly that desire to want more from life that made my 30 year old self fall in love with this place! We all grow and while our priorities change, it's that constant center of wanting more out of every moment of my life that I always want to stay true to.
So when I walk out of a yoga class, feeling refreshed, calm, centered, sometimes I think back to when I said in my head that I could never do it. Or when I beat Michael at chess and I think back to when I told him I'm too stupid to learn chess and that I could never learn. And I now realize that saying never is only just putting limits onto the gifts that the future has in store for me.
So as the screaming baby walks past me, with the cutest tear-filled blue eyes, I turn up my headphones, roll my eyes, and laugh, because I'm thinking about what my future self might think of me someday. And I hope I make her proud.